Growing up, Adult
Cigarettes
A 5-year-old boy gets angry when his mom smokes; now he understands why.
I have lived with my mother since I was born. My father is a typical busy man who does a lot of business on Borneo Island. He passed away when I was 4 years old because of a car accident, which forced my mom to become the pillar of the family. Day by day, she goes to work, which leaves me alone with the housemaid.
When she gets home at night, before entering the house, she usually sits on the terrace, lights up her cigar, and drinks coffee. I approach her, shake and kiss her hand — Indonesian culture to praise the elder. Every moment she burns the cigar, the 5-year-old me always reprimands her, “Can you stop smoking? The smell is so annoying. It just makes your life unhealthy. Furthermore, you just burn your money. Let me put this garbage away.”
She was just smiling in silence. And know that the 25-year-old me understands that a smile and silence mean a lot.
The first time I tried cigars was in the last semester of college. I remember that moment when COVID-19 struck our lives, forcing us to do work from home and dare for school and college. I went back to my parents on Balikpapan. That night, Kibo asked me to hang out just to enjoy hot ginger wedang near his home. It’s just a simple hut, aside from the highway. I look at him; he drinks that wedang and sucks his cigar.
I ask him, “Is that good?” He replied, “Nah. It is not good for your health. But it is good for your mental health.” The fuck just he said?
I then ask one of his cigars to combine with the wedang. I was like, “Damn, I’ve never felt this sensation before.” That moment changed me from a non-smoker to a smoker. For my non-smoking readers, please don’t try it. It’s like magical stuff — cigarettes. Although we know this thing is not healthy, we still suck it while singing the song of freedom.
When we were kids, it seemed that life was so wonderful, miracle, beautiful, and magical. We only have fun, day by day, playing with our beloved friends. But then, time sent us away to teach us how to be sensible, logical, responsible, and practical. The culture showed us a world where we could be so dependable, clinical, intellectual, and cynical. After we gain such things, we become more mature and start to question the systems around us. Then, if we don’t watch our tongue carefully, they’ll be calling us radicals, liberals, a fanatical, even a criminal.
At night, when all the world’s asleep, the question in our heads runs deep for such a simple human like us. It started to think about the future, love, family, health, time, etc. That’s life. As funny as it may seem. However, it keeps spinning around. All we need is a distraction and temporary relaxation. Mine are cigarettes. Now, the 5-year-old me is not wondering why my mom was a smoker.
Despite the challenges we face and the decisions we make, there is always room for understanding and acceptance. Just as I once questioned my mother’s habit, I now find solace and reflection in a simple cigar. Life may present us with contradictions and complexities, but amidst it all, we find our own means of temporary escape and contemplation. So let us embrace these moments, knowing that, in the end, it’s the journey that shapes us into who we are.
